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May 10th, 2005

Faithful fans, I have some bad and good news to relay to you about Monday's show. We'll start with the bad news so that I might be able to supply you, dear reader, with the happy ending you so deserve. Nanner returned to wreak more havoc on the boys if Holy Trinity River. He struck guitarist Nick first, casting doubt on whether or not he would be able to get Monday off to travel to New Hampshire to play the show. However, after a few too many Jim & Cokes and Godfathers, HTR was able to overcome the doubt and insist on Nick getting the day off. No doubt that with the consumption of liquor came the clarity offered by the great Jack Noseworthy.
 

With Nick's commitment sealed, Nanner than attacked drummer Aaron, causing his new boss to announce that everyone needed to be at the office Monday, so that he could meet the new employees, such as Aaron. With Aaron's presence on the trip impossible, canceling the show seemed inevitable.
 

Just then Jack Noseworthy, speaking again through bassist Brendyn, suggested that they call their producer Ellis to see if he knew any drummers they could use for their gig. After a little while, Ellis phoned back with a drummer in mind. However the price was too steep for those poor food stamp using bastards in HTR. Brendyn called Chrissy, another agent and angel of Jack Noseworthy, to tell her the bad news. Chrissy, in the infinite wisdom provided by Jack Noseworthy, kept their spot open, feeling that somehow the band would find a way to make it to New Hampshire.
Keeping the spot open turned out to be the right move, as Ellis called the next day with a cheaper drummer.
 

The band accepted the offer, and rehearsed with Jason, the mercenary drummer, that Saturday. Jason, perhaps inspired by the great Jack Noseworthy, picked the songs up immediately.
The band left early Monday morning, confident in their ability to kick Greek ass at UNH later that day. They arrived in New Hampshire right as their set was scheduled to start. Nanner, never one to give up so easily, had managed to put a God-awful shit band on before HTR, with the purpose of whittling the hundred plus audience down to the fifties. His plan worked, and the boys began their show to a much smaller audience than had been there throughout the day.
 

Inattentive to Nanner's evil acts, the boys of HTR pushed through and put on a hell of a show for the people who were lucky enough to hang around and see it. After the show, the judge for the Battle of the Bands came up and complimented the boys on their performance, describing their sound as "Nirvana with Neil Young stepping in to play guitar." HTR left New Hampshire feeling good about their performance and confident that they would win the battle of the bands. Nanner, furious at how well the show had gone despite his best efforts, attacked the judge, and in a moment of weakness, the judge picked Nanner's favorite band, Death Punch Sunday, over HTR. I know, I know, how could evil ever triumph over good? But rest assured, good readers, that it was a small victory in the overall scheme of things, and that Holy Trinity River are playing on undaunted.

Well, I told you I might provide you with a happy ending, and rest assured I one day will, but until then, a little patience is needed. I know I may be asking a lot in this age of instant gratification, but the wait will be well worth it, of that I have no doubt. Enjoy your weekend, treasured readers, and don't do anything I wouldn't do. In fact, if you value your health and general well being, don't do many of the things I would do.

May 1st, 2005

The damndest thing happened Saturday before Holy Trinity River's show at Desmond's Tavern; Nanner surfaced from the fiery pits of his banana hell to try once again to fuck up the faithful servants of HTR.

First, Nanner called every drum rental in New York City and rented all available drum sets so that HTR would not be able to go on that night. However, as he so often does, Jack Noseworthy swooped in from the outer stratospheres of Heaven to deliver a jolt of inspiration to Brendyn. As the band wallowed in the misery of having to cancel their show at Desmond's Tavern, Jack Noseworthy, speaking through Brendyn, suggested that the band "borrow" the house drum set at the band's rehearsal space (David if your reading this fuck off and pretend its a joke).

With the drum set taken care of, the band turned it's attention to the rental of a van to transport all the musical equipment. Usually a simple task, the activity became quite difficult as Nanner had rented every available van in the city. For a moment it looked like the band was going to have to lug all of their equipment on the subways just to get to the show. But then, just as quickly as Nanner terrorized the band, Jack Noseworthy saved them, sending the angel Monique to the rescue. Monique, being employed at Enterprise Rent a Car, was able to string together a van at the last minute. My fellow brothers and sisters, I wish that I could tell you that Nanner's attempts at sabotage ended with that failure, but unfortunately, that was not the case. Nanner, with the perseverance of a teenage stalker, continued to haunt the band.

Luke and Brendyn arrived at the Enterprise eager to put all of Nanner's evil activities behind them, but just when they thought they were in the clear, Nanner struck again, maxing out Brendyn's credit card so that the van could not be paid for. Luke tried to pay with his debit card, but alas, Nanner had changed company policy so that debit cards were no longer accepted. Not to be outdone by the diabolical Nanner, Jack Noseworthy once again dispatched his trusty angel Monique to cure the band's woes. Monique, accompanied by Alfonso--the leader of the Trinity of Fans--stormed into the Enterprise and quickly paid for the van, securing a 50iscount for employees. With the van paid for, this fab four headed back to their headquarters on the Upper East Side to regroup before their voyage to Yankee stadium, where the Yankees of New York were battling the Rangers of Texas. As a sign of gratitude, Luke sacrificed his ticket so that the angel Monique would be able to accompany Alfonso, Brendyn and Nick to the game.

Though the game was already in the 5th inning, our protagonists were very excited, as the good Jack Noseworthy had seen it fit to bless the Rangers of Texas with a 6-0 lead. The Great Jack Noseworthy's blessing continued as the Rangers destroyed the Yankees, and our protagonists left elated. Although temporarily down, Nanner was by no means out of the game, as he began to plot his next attacks. After a few hours of smooth sailing, the band was crushed with the brunt of Nanner's attack; Nanner had erased the email informing Desmond's Tavern that the band had accepted their invitation to play that Saturday night. As a result, no sound man and no door man were available. HTR were understandably crushed. However, they kept faith that the Good Jack Noseworthy would once again offer salvation to the tormented band. Their faith was rewarded, as Luke was suddenly blessed with the knowledge of how to operate Desmond's sound board. As Luke began to master the sound board, the door man miraculously appeared. At this point, HTR felt like they had passed all the tests put forth by Nanner, and would be able to finally just rock out.

They were foolish to so sorely underestimate the dedication of Nanner. Just as the band were setting up, HTR realized that Nanner had snuck into the van and hid Luke's Les Paul back in the rehearsal space. Nick and Luke then rushed back to the rehearsal space to retrieve the guitar. They arrived back at Desmond's just at the nick of time, as many in the audience had grown tired of waiting for the band and were contemplating leaving. Nick and Luke's triumphant return quelled all these feelings.

Just as the band was gearing up, news of the Dallas Mavericks loss threatened to cast an unconquerable gloom over the crowd. However Nick's feedback drenched intro to "Rotten Gold" quickly brought life back to the crowd, and the band began to rock out. Nanner had been defeated! Or so it seemed...

Three fourths of the way through their excellent set, Nanner struck again! Just as Luke was preparing to rip into a sick nasty sonofabitch solo, Nanner broke Luke's B string. Inspired by Jack Noseworthy, Luke still busted out a sick nasty sonofabitch solo sans B string. After the song ended, Luke began restringing the Les Paul. Jack Noseworthy, watching from above, sensed the boredom rising in the waiting crowd and quickly began telling a joke, once again through the mouth of Brendyn. Though I have neither the time nor the patience to recount the joke here, rest assured the crows was enthralled.

 Feeling the sting of defeat, Nanner gave up, and the rest of the night went on without a hitch. So here is where I leave you, dear reader, with good once again triumphing over evil. But let me deploy a disclaimer unto you before you continue with your merry life: Nanner may have lost the battle, but the war is not over, and anyone foolish enough to think that we have seen the last of Nanner has quite a rude awaking coming. So take care, dear reader, and may all your nights be drunken, as I know mine are.